why am I silent

I was known to be a quiet person.. recently I was thinking of improving myself very much in order to inspire my son and to help him grow better and live better.. As I experienced my dad is/was my hero, so I want to create similar impact on my son by being a good person.. One of the area that I need to improve is me being more socialized.. I am quiet.. I have very limited friends, but those limited is precious always.. :-) that will be a separate blog..

These days for my son I am started going to community potluck on Fridays @ North Marin Islamic Community.. Friday the local muslims will bring in there families and a favorite food to share with others.. The objective is simple, create bonding in the community and create a platform for kids to meet/interact with other families.. (that's the problem when you are not in India, where you don't need to worry about kids cultural behavior.. We have our parents, friends, relatives, good neighbours, etc.. I love my country for such reasons..).. So in that get-together I am always a stand out fellow, I interact little, I talk very little, I just listen, listen and listen.. that's the way I used to be.. I was wondering why I am not so much hesitate to mingle with people I know and who wants to be friends.. WHY??

Inferiority complex.. this may be a reason.. I don't know, but I am guessing.. But with my friends help I was able to get out of some of the problems.. some moments are

      Mama (Murali) who made me his friends just by one single statement, thats the first time we spoke.. I still remember that moment, It was when my college first year results were announced.. I got arrear in English.. my fav subject.. I was so much disappointed.. As my parents had so much trouble to get me into engineering.. Literally broken, then mama appeared to motivate me.. I don't remember exact dialogue, but it was something like this.. "nee enda feel pannura, inga paaru nee ella subjectlayum nalla mark edhuthu irukka, oru subject thaana da feel pannatha" it worked well, out of those 50 odd students he appeared to help me.. He made me realize that don't feel bad for what you haven't achieved, be proud of what you have achieved..

     Hari.. He is my great inspiration so far.. His hard work and smartness are unique.. We used to go for debugging competitions together, he wins and with my help we mostly end up with Participation certificate only.. I was very much worried that because of my poor coding abilities my friend is losing.. :-( Once he teamed up with Manikandan, I was teamed up with mama (i guess so), myself and mama are sure of exit @ entry level itself, but we gave a try, Also we were sure that Hari and Mani will go to next level.. But they didn't, when we were chatting he mentioned that he had not done well enough because his frequency was not   matching with Mani and he is happy teaming with me.. That moment all my complex of not a good programmer got out and I looked to improve on that skill to be supportive to my friend.. Funny part is we will had more of Participation Cert only.. ;-)

His friendship and Hari's really kept me motivated for rest of my life and in future for sure..

As I have no friends here with me, I think of myself too inferior in that group.. This group mainly talks Hindi, I am ZERO in it.. So much of the problem is there.. But still this group have people from other countries too, who talk in english.. Why I am not talking with them is still to be answered..

Fear of failure.. As like everyone I also afraid of failure.. Failure of making a bad impression.. :-( I am not interested in politics and GK and knowing latest news.. So I always lag behind what others are more interested.. I like very little set of things, I as a person have very limited interests.. As mentioned because of inferiority complex I held myself from making any valuable contribution..
     Once during my college days with my class mates we were filling some crossword puzzles.. (my english is well known and I have zero experience at puzzle..) fortunately I know the answer for one question.. I was making so much of arguments within myelf whether to tell the answer or not.. ha ha before I decide what to do, VVR told the answer.. I still regret that moment for not answering that question as soon as I know the answer..


Lack of Clarity.. I have couple of bad experience on the places where you have nothing to talk but you talk to make your presence.. I have seen many people @ work who does the same and honestly I hate them.. :-( I made the same mistake once in a conference call with my team and my manager.. Sam made me to talk something to mark our presence.. I too talked and after 2 minutes I didn't understand what I spoke and i am sure the team would not have understood that.. From that experience onward I am clear on when to talk If I have a point and I am very clear on it.. As in this group they talk more of their experience and I have not been part of it so its not a wise thing to talk about other persons experience without experiencing it right??


All together I know I have to talk and I am working on it.. Not just to talk but to socialize myself for my son Irfan Faazudeen.. Hope God makes it possible in short time.. Insha Allah.. :-)


Lets all try to make our life better, because knowingly or unknowingly we impress others..